In 2018, I almost died of a broken heart. The most traumatic experience of my life ended up being the most beautiful. My consciousness was completely separate from my body. I felt so empowered, so much love, comfort, and peace. We are all connected and one; I embodied the prayers and love of those living and those that aren’t. I felt everything simultaneously; I was flying, unencumbered, and free.
The eternal life I experienced was filled with so much beauty; there wasn’t any pain, sadness, ego, or struggle there. It was so liberating. The colors were indescribable, brilliant, magical, and vivid. The feeling was indefinable, nothing our human minds could wrap our brains around.
We are here to embody our authentic selves. We become so conditioned into believing who we are supposed to be that we lose ourselves entirely, but that’s part of our purpose to embody our human experience and reconnect with the person we came here to be.
My Mom reminded me recently of something I had forgotten. – Once I came off the ventilator and was able to talk for the first time, there was a room full of loved ones surrounding me, and I went around the room, one by one, looking at each person, and said, “I love you, and you, and you, and I love you & you, and you and I love you & you.” I was emanating love from the depths of my soul.
I had just experienced the purest, most profound, enveloping love anyone could imagine, and it was exploding out of me. My heart, once broken, was filled with tremendous unconditional love and compassion. To feel such unconditional, no-strings-attached love taught me I was going about life all wrong. We get so hyper-focused on wanting to feel loved that we don’t focus on being the love we desperately need. If we are LOVE, we will BE LOVED.
Life gets us so worn down that we forget to see the good, the tiny, beautiful things. We get so focused on who we think we should be that we become this version of ourselves that we don’t recognize and end up sick or with a life we don’t want.
I had spent nearly two decades struggling to survive, and I was in so much pain. I relied on IV nutrition and iron infusions. I endured three of the most barbaric surgeries, from having acute and chronic pancreatitis since 2001 and blood clots in my heart to having sepsis four times. I suffered from chronic unknown fevers and debilitating symptoms for six years before I went into heart and respiratory failure in 2018. The overwhelming sense of doom I felt from losing our 11-year golden retriever, my middle son moving out, having to evacuate for Hurricane Harvey, and the diagnosis of my Dad and stepdad having stage 4 cancer, coupled with the physiological stress on me, was too much to take on.
Honestly, I was ready to leave this earth and desperately wanted the pain and suffering to end, but when my chest felt ice cold and I struggled to breathe, I could feel my life slipping through my fingers, and it was terrifying to know my time was short. I watched in terror as my cardiologist told my husband, “Her heart is very stretched and weak; it’s barely pumping. I don’t think she’s going to make it”. Those words shook me to my core. I felt helpless. I had three sons, a husband, and so many friends and family that I wasn’t ready to leave.
Before doctors intubated me, I pleaded with God as I gasped for air and signed away my medical decisions to my husband. Facing death head-on is the most desperate, vulnerable, and terrifying thing I’ve ever endured. The panic that I hadn’t done enough and wouldn’t get a chance to see my kids grow into young men and have their children was chilling, but I survived and became a Grandma in 2022!
I was so lucky to get another chance and came out with a different perspective; I could no longer see the world through my eyes. I could see everyone else’s perspective. I had been wrapped up in my world with so much sickness and now had this new level of compassion for others. Thankfully, the fevers resolved themselves after my Takotsubo cardiomyopathy (Broken Heart Syndrome). Life is hard and short, but awareness about yourself and a shift in perspective are profound.
Human Design has helped me meet and understand myself, find the language, and make sense of everything I have experienced. I am inspired to help others find and connect with their authentic self.
There will never be this version of you again, so remember who you are meant to be.
XO,
Stacie
